Oh, Ecuador

I don't know why, but right now, I feel compelled to write a bit about this beautiful place in which I've chosen to live. It's raining now as I write this, as we go into our seventh month of rain this year, the rainiest since I arrived here in mid-2001. (I'm glad I can say it's the rainiest year; gad, I'd hate to think what a rainier year would be like.)

This place (Ecuador) is about the size of Nevada, if you live in the States. While Nevada isn't the largest State by far, it's a fair sized chunk of territory, and so is Ecuador.

For a relatively small country though (and it's a lot, lot smaller than its neighbors, Colombia and Peru) it's got just about every kind of geographic setting and climate you'd want. Deserts, beaches, jungles, booming white water rivers, 20,000+ foot mountains, volcanoes, big world class surf, and of course, the unique (really) Galapagos - it's all here, plus Quito which is a cool city.

OK, it's not France, or some other nifty place that I'm sure you've seen, but the place meets my middle class needs, that's for sure, and I'm having a good time, so what the hell, who needs France?

What makes Ecuador more interesting though, are its people, whose personalities run the usual gamut, saints to sinners, and blah, blah. The thing is, if you look at this country at a macro level, at what I call its national psyche, you (or at least I) see a massive case of national low self esteem. Ecuadorians simply don't believe in/don't trust their social/governmental institutions, be it the Congress, justice system, the military, cops, media, or whatever. Ecuadorians expect their institutions to be weak, ineffective, corrupt and failed - and their expectations are met, just about every day they wake up and read the papers.

There's a standing joke (used in other countries too) that everything's cool in Ecuador; the only problem is that there are Ecuadorians here... I don't know, I've lived in seven different countries in Latin America (and by "lived", I mean three years or more in each and every country), and aside from, maybe, Honduras, I've never seen a more severe case of national inferiority.

Oh, well, I like to think that's something that outsiders who choose to live here, like me, can help change. These guys need a more positive attitude about their country and its ability to change/improve, and maybe people like me, who've adopted the place can lead the way. Let's hope so, anyway.....

I Wonder If I'm Overdoing the Chocolate Thing...

Ooogg. I've got a chocolate stomach ache for the second time in five days, from sampling/tasting various chocolates. These chocolate projects I'm involved in have picked up momentum (as in, requiring more time/work, not generating income, at least not yet), and part of alll that entails tasting various chocolates I've come across.

As time goes by, I'm getting more educated (I was going to say more sophisticated, but that's a bit presumptuous) with respect to cacao and chocolate, tasting the various kinds of cacao and chocolate, well, that goes with the territory. The funny thing is, while I like chocolate, I don't consider myself a chocoholic, as they term it. And past a certain point, it, well, I get a stomach ache.

But what the hell, it's for the cause, you know?

Anyway, the two projects I'm involved in, the chocolate cafe idea for local customers/consumption here in Quito, and the chocolate manufacturing/export business both continue apace, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but both going onward, which is good.

I just need to pace myself on the tasting part of thing, that's all...

I Woke Up This Morning So Mad (About Illegal Immigration)

I could've spit.

I was thinking about the massive demonstrations by illegal immigrants and their supporters in the States. The arrogance of these people is intolerable, and the U.S. government needs to put an end to it. I've heard various politicos, including Bush say that, gosh, with SO many of them, it's just impossible to do anything, so let's make citizens of all of them!

Right, great, yeah, that'll put a stop to the problem, and illegal immigrants are a problem. I just don't accept the old, "humble, hardworking little guy trying to realize the American Dream" paradigm. Illegal is illegal, damnit, and as far as I'm concerned, we need to put a full, full stop to this wave of arrogance and lawbreaking (and not talking about that asshole Bush, his cronies, and his administration; that's a whole other story). I'm talking about the millions of people who've walked, flown, swam, or whatever, in the the United States without a visa.

Anyone know what a visa is? Why, that's where you get the permission of a country's government to enter the country BEFORE you enter the country. Quaint idea, isn't it? Well, it happens, folks, that I DON'T think it's quaint; it's the law, and guess what? It's the law in all of the countries that have chosen to turn a blind eye to the thousands or millions of people who have bailed out on their countries and violated U.S. law, including Mexico (whose President, Vicente Fox once said, outrageously, that the U.S. was "coresponsible" for all of the illegal Mexicans in the U.S.), every Central American country, Ecuador (where I live, and where I worked hard to get a visa to stay, live and work) and lord knows how many other places which are using the U.S. as the escape valve for the people who can't or won't get a job at home.

I've always been against illegal immigration because it's, well, illegal, and every time it happens, it represents an abnegation of responsibility by the dumping countries (Mexico, et al) to their own citizens, to generate jobs, decent health and education systems, and, oh yeah, how about honest government?

-- And please, please, spare me comments about Bush; I've already said he's an asshole and I mean it. I would dearly love to impeach the SOB, but then we'd end up with Cheney as Prez, for god's sake, so....

Anyway, on the II issue, I don't know how many of the illegals we can practically deport, but I think we should try and throw as many of them out as possible.

The demonstrations of the last week or so, complete with thousands of Mexican flags are simply the latest example of how bad the problem has become in the terms of numbers, but now, in terms of their very public attitude toward the U.S. government and America in general: Hey we're here illegally, you need us (NOT), and if you try to enforce U.S. law, we'll threaten you and work to disrupt your economy and society.

Well, guys, that's it, you're outa here, as far as I'm concerned. And oh, yeah, message to Mexico: We're not coresponsible for YOUR problem and by god, we're going to get serious about throwing YOUR people out of OUR country and putting a wall up to keep more of YOUR people from getting. Mexico and other countries in the third world and their citizens, ALL of them, should be left to stew in the juices of their own inefficient, ineffective, failed and corrupt societies; let them work things out on their own. Lord knows we've tried to help them over the years, and all we've seen is more corruption, fuck ups, and oh yes, the usual tantrums regarding sovereignty, gringo imperialism, and etc...

Well, fuck you all, especially the Mexicans, and don't ever, ever, ever, send any more of your illegal people our way; your inept, hypocritical, and corrupt mismanagement is no excuse, ever, for dumping your people on the U.S. Grow up, take care of your own people, and don't think that the U.S. is so weak as to do nothing about all of those Mexican flags (and the flags of other countries) in our streets; we won't stand for it.

Each Day Is A Rollercoaster, But

That's life, as it's served up, I suppose. I'm to the place where I sleep with K every night, and I spend more time in her apartment than I do my own, to the point where we've talked about living together, but we don't, and she says we won't until I get divorced (which should be sometime later this year). Still, as I write this, alone in my place, I do enjoy the small freedom I have to do this, this blog (about which she knows nothing), and to watch tv, which she doesn't like me to do when we're together.

Sometimes I'm torn between my desire and love for her, and the other, simple need to be alone sometimes, to do things like this blog, which isn't any more important a thing than recording what's happening in my life on occasion.

I read other people's blogs, and it's marvelous, the poetry, the articulate opinions I read and I think, "Boy, I wish I could write like that", - but I don't, I just write about the ordinary things that happen here and between me, K, my kids, and on occasion, others around me.

I will say that, as time has gone by, the pain and sorrow I felt when I first started writing this thing (actually, it's predecessor over on Xanga) has eased/ faded somewhat. When I finally get around the divorce, the pain will flare up again, I bet, but then that's to be expected.

My life's still in transition, obviously, and I think I have a tendency to worry too much about, well, everything from my sex life to my financial life, to my future life (that is, the next few years, not the afterlife!). And I always put a negative cast, kind of like Woody Allen: I'm doomed, no matter what; really positive attitude in short.

The thing is, in reality, I don't have much to complain about. I've got my health, a good relationship with a good woman, a sex life better than anything I've had in years and years, three great kids, a bit of money, and some interesting economic possibilities that have nothing to do with what I've done in the past (perhaps the best thing of all, about all of this).

I have that tendency to do the reverse of what most positive people do, that is, I worry about the small stuff and don't worry about the big things. So far, I've been lucky in that the big stuff hasn't blown up on me, but the small stuff gives me stomach aches, lost sleep, and on occasion quarrels with K. I really need to learn how to stay off the small things and not get pissed/worried about them.

Well, tomorrow's another day, I suppose...

This Blog Still Lives! It's Just

...Been a hell of a month. Not bad, mind you, just busier than hell. The chocolate projects continue apace, and I'm even thinking about adding a third one (the first two being a chocolate cafe and a chocolate manufacturing/export business).

The photography classes have taken up more, much more time than I'd expected, they're going.... ok, but more on that later.

And finally, my son showed up from Panama for eight days during Easter Week break, which was a lot of fun. Here's a couple of photos from the month, one of my son, and one of the local Easter Week doings (don't try this at home!).

I'm outta here for friend's birthday party. Another posting on another day, soon, I hope.

I Keep Forgetting to Bring My.....

Digital camera...along on photo shoots with K. Thing is, I'm taking analog (film) photo class while she's doing digital class. She's got her digital camera and I bring along two film cameras - while I should really bring along one film and one digital camera, since digital's much easier to publish than black and white film.

Still, as I've mentioned in other posts, I could do it, if I was industrious enough, since I've got a film/slide scanner which can put my b&w's on my mac....

Anyway, I'll get around to that one of these days. In the meantime, K's dumping all of her digital photos on this laptop, and I've swiped a couple (but just a couple) for this blog.

This film class is turning out to be tougher than I'd expected. Developing the shots hasn't proved to be overly difficult. What's been tougher is printing/blowing up the shots, and toughest of all, just plain composing the shots so as to get the light/contrast right - en fin, composition has been toughest of all. Backlit, low contrast shots are bitches to print out right, at least for me, but I'm getting more lab time in, so one of these days I'll get it right...

In the meantime, it's fun to take some digital shots every once in a while, as per the shot above. I gotta get a better camera, though, because my ex-wife managed to damage the lens shortly before we split up and the ding she inflicted on the lens shows up as a cloudy spot smack in the middle of the image every once in a while (look for it in some of the shots in this blog; you'll see it), which is irritating....

On the bright side, though, it DOES give me an excuse to buy one of those nice new, SLR d's with interchangeable lenses, eight mp's, etc., so, what the hell, I'll be patient.

... I'm playing Martin Scorcese's "Last Waltz" on dvd, with nice big Sony sound system as I write this. The first screen on the film says, "This film should be played LOUD!", and by god, that's what I'm doing. K's off at a welcome cocktail for new guys at her office, so I'm alone in my apartment; I wouldn't be doing this if she were here.

....Which sort of highlights one of the bennies of living alone: You can do whatever the hell you want, without having to negotiate on the volume, leaving the toilet lid up, the health implications of butter and peanut butter sandwiches (or baloney and cheese sandwiches with Miracle Whip, yum!).

Still, I enjoy the hell out of her, and I'll be happy to see her when she comes by to pick me up...

More on me and her on another post, but that's it for now....

And for a Change.....

....It's raining again, hard, with hail. We actually had two, count 'em two, straight days of no rain earlier this week, but the last three days have seen rain every day and into the night. Across the street from my apartment, on the local high school football field frogs have appeared (well ok, I can hear them, but haven't seen them) which croak happily throughout the night and well into the morning. Frogs notwithstanding, the school's hardy footballers play right through the afternoon and evening rain into the dark, to the accompaniment of their new mascots, the urban frog (species to be named and identified later).

I thought about having my car washed during the dry spell earlier this week, but I held off, suspecting a return of the rain, and I'm happy to say I saved myself the money of the carwash. I don't really recall the last time I had the car washed, but it was sometime before - way before - Christmas, which gives you an idea of how long the rains having been going on (and yes, I WOULD have washed the car if, say, there'd been maybe a dry week, but no such luck). Still, there's kind of a cyclical aspect to it: Car gets dirty/muddy, new rain comes along, KIND of washes the mud off, rains generate new mud, car gets splashed with new mud, and etc...

It's kind of fun, though, watching a truly wet year (worst in, oh, 5,10, 15, 20 years, depending on which native you talk to) because plants and trees outside are going bonkers in terms of growth, and the normally dry, sere landscape to the north of Quito is green, all green, for the first time since I've been here...

And.... Sunday (the above part was written on Friday): Well, it mostly dry today except for the afternoon only - only - rained for an hour or so out on the road to the south of Quito.

Yesterday, Saturday, we went out on photo class photo shoot on which I took two analog (film) cameras, but no digital, unfortunately, so no shots of the lakes, mountains and rivers to the north that I can share, unfortunately.

I came up over one fair-sized waterfall, 20 meters or so, Peguche it's called. the other times I've seen it, it's been rather tame cascade, but this year, this wet, wet, wet year, it'd become one of those falls where you feel it through the ground before the mist hit and the mist almost blinds you before you see it; that kind of fall.. Usually you go into that with some sort of protection over the camera, like a bag or something, but I shucked off my knapsack and just went in there, no cover and took a bunch of shots. Film, like I say, black and white, so we'll see how it comes out later on this coming week, when I get to the lab.

Long day, about 10 kms of walking to get to locations, but a good day. Last part was rain, naturally, and I get pretty wet, including time around the waterfall, but I feel fine....

I Hope Things Change

I feel myself dropping into one of my depressive slumps again, one of those periods where I really don't want to see anyone, and I just feel my energy, my will to live fading away....

Here's the funny thing: I spent most of today in business meetings on chocolate projects (and by the way, I got up early - that's 5:00am early - to dash off in an hour the piece of work I'd delayed for almost two weeks) and I bet if you'd ask any participant in any of the meetings how I appeared, I came across as dynamic, humorous, and self-confident.

And then I come home to my big apartment, and I just sort of slump down in front of my computer and/or watch tv and/or take naps. I've got a fair-sized library of books, almost all of which I've read and re-read, but thinkng about it now, I haven't read serious book or even finished a book, in at least a year.

I'm in the midst of some sort of intellectual/spiritual entropy wherein my brain is rotting. Or at least, I'm not using any part of my brain not needed for daily interaction with people and keeping up appearances of normalcy with the world.

I just feel listless, and that's another thing: Since I went through those two bad colds, starting just around the beginning of the year, I really haven't done any physical exercise at all. I haven't gained much weight, if any, but that's to the good, actually, since I need to lose weight.

Physical exercise would do that, but lethargy reigns supreme for the moment. It's like I'm in sort of emotional/mental/physical limbo.

Energy, where are you? Motivation, where are you? Enjoyment of life, where are you?

Blah. I need a nap.

Why Can't I Get Started?

Blah. I'm inveterate, incorrigible procrastinator, I think. I've got a couple of fairly important tasks that I've agreed to do, and I simply keep putting them off. I've had this problem all my life, and for the life of me, I can't understand why I do it - or rather, why I don't. Perfectionism? Fear of error (the flip side of perfectionism)? Laziness? I don't know, but I know that I wake up every morning after another day in which I DIDN'T do something, my stomach tight with guilt over not having done task x, and resolved that TODAY, I will do it.... and then I don't. Ack.

I feel like this candle, burning down and melting away....

Odds and Ends on a Sunday

... After a (surprise) rainy night, there was a truly surprising dawn: the sun came up. I looked out from K's ninth floor apartment to the east, over a quiet neighborhood, toward the large urban Parque Metropolitano, which overlooks Quito and the Andes, which loom over the city. A lot of the houses/apartments have flat roofs, puddled with water which reflected the growing dawnlight so that they look like dozens of large glass plates reflecting some fleecy clouds drifting in over the Parque.

Damn. Where's my camera when I need it? Well, ni modo, as they say; after that blessed leak, and a long drink of water, I went back to bed, and snuggled in against K's back and she slept on her side.

I love sleeping with K. That woman warmth, her hair spread out on the pillow, her small hand curved gently over her side, her lashes on her cheek, her gentle breathing, the bare shoulder on the sheet, the curve of her breast....

And I kissed her on the shoulder, stroked her hair, her face, and whispered that I loved her.

Goddam, this woman fills me with desire, with fire, with the need to touch her, to look at her, to carress her, kiss her, lick her, fuck her, feel her legs wrapped around me, coming on my cock.....

Have I made my point? Well, more, maybe, the feelings of aliveness, maleness, tenderness, lust, love, happiness, pleasure, completeness, affection, irritation, anger, frustration, and just plain passion, all these and more, I have for my woman, my K...

Guess I'm in love, huh?

--- We went for a walk this morning in the Parque Metropolitano (PM), after I picked up my camera from my own apartment. Wet, the PM, green, muddy, but lots of Sunday morning walkers, bicyclers, runners, wannabe picknickers (where the hell are they going to put their blankets, etc.?). The clouds have started closing in/closing up, but still enough sun gets through to keep it relatively warm, which was good, because I was in shorts, as is my habit. We walked, the two of us, for the better part of two hours, a good walk, especially after being cooped up by the rains for two weeks (yeah, that much rain; I mean it's been RAINING, man.).

We came back, showered up, and went out for lunch, which is a bit of a misnomer since we hadn't had any breakfast. We ate at a place called Adam's Rib, that's owned by an American who's lived here for over 25 years. I've met him and his wife, both from Texas, and nice people, both. Good Texas BBQ chicken and ribs, that much more rico (uh, better) for our empty stomachs...

We then spent two hours, going to three different shopping centers, looking for tickets to a Carlos Vives concert for ourselves, and K's 13 year-old niece, Lauris. Gad, what a pilgrimage, me driving around, looking for parking in the rain (oh yeah, did I tell you? It started raining again at 3:00pm, and it's still raining as I write, at 8:20pm...), not finding the right tickets, bla, bla, bla, until we finally found what we were looking for.

--- And then we got in a fight because she suddenly had to rush to her parents' house such that we didn't have time for me to look at an iPod in a store where (finally! finally!) we had found the tickets. Big yelling match, and she IS a match for me, 120 lbs to my 165, and we're equals, in spirit, and many other things as well.... We ended up making love (parents be damned, when it comes to fucking), and made up, all this in the space of oh, 45-50 minutes or so....

So now K's visiting with her mom and dad, whom I've met (and THAT was an interesting experience, but for another post), while I write this, and finish it, to more rain, and waiting for her phone call.... Buenas noches....

When's It Going to Stop Raining?

This year has been the rainiest year I've experienced since I arrived in Quito in August 2001. It has rained almost every day and every night since the beginning of November. Needless to say, everything is green, green, green, but alright, already, everything is also muddy, semi-moldy, and just, well, wet.

- And that's here in the Sierra, where everything is on the side of hills - or IS the hill, for that matter - and so the water runs off to wherever. Down on the coast, the weather's been pretty much the same, rain without letup, and so coastal areas from Colombia to Peru are turning into immense rice paddies, without the rice. I was down there last week, south of Guayaquil, and the edges of the roads have become a series of long, long cattle ranges, because the raised roadways are the only places where the poor beasts can stay reasonably dry.

Ecuador's largest city, Guayaquil has a fairly good drainage management system, luckily, but even so, there are large parts of the city which have been under water for days and weeks... Total, wet, bummer...

Attached picture: I haven't learned how to put on captions, but this one might read: But WE'RE doing alright!

Racism and....

I've been reading two postings that came out at the same time on Rollertrain and Hiromi_X, both regarding racism. Rollertrain is a white chick from the States and Hiromi is Japanese-American, second generation, as best I can tell.

Coincidentally, they did postings yesterday on racism, with the difference that Rollertrain (or Chagres, as she calls herself) was into the I'm white, therefore I'm guilty, mode of thinking on the subject, while Hiromi was into the chip on the shoulder, I'm Asian, therefore the injured party, mode.

The funny thing about these sorts of things is that you get articulate, smart people saying ignorant things and sometimes, just dumb things. I guess the good thing is that you've got a lot of people concerned about an important subject but aside from carrying a chip on their shoulder, as I say, I don't think any of them have really lived the racism thing for true.

Hiromi, for instance, talks about speaking English in Japan and freaking people out. But I don't think she's really run into the Japanese brand of racism, which sees people like her as mutant, racially impure folks who've been contaminated by western culture. She's got a lot learn, I'd say..

Chagres, on the other hand, seems to take the, "We're white, therefore racist", mode, albeit in a nice way...

Guys, really, give it a break, just be decent to people, call people on any overt racist actions/statements, etc., and please, please, please, stop generalizing/lumping people in set groups and/or presupposed modes of conduct. Anything to contrary, and well, you're just, uhm, prejudiced, at the least, if not racist yourself..

Like I say, give it a rest and be decent to all people with whom you deal, in the expectation that they will treat you likewise...

Happy Women's Day!

Today is a big day here in Ecuador, and in a lot of other countries here in Latin America. I don't recall that it was ever a big thing in the States, but it's been a long time since I've lived there, so it may be that it's widely observed there now - although I see no mention of it in today's LA Times, NY Times, or Washington Post (love the web!).

Anyway, heeeereee... We celebrated by making love, and then this morning, for Women's Day present (morning version) I gave her her very first vibrator (plus free batteries!), an early morning wake up quickie, and then held her while she fell asleep. Tonight, romantic dinner at her specific request, and then who knows? Maybe take the vibrator out for its trial run!

I enjoy being with K so much, and ok, so you've noticed, I like the sex part of the whole equation as well! I told her this morning that I love the way that she makes me feel alive, and horny, and how she completes me as a man. After so many years of a sterile, almost sexless relationship, god, I can't tell you what it means to have a woman in my bed (well, her bed a lot, too, since we don't live together), who's warm who doesn't mind sleeping naked, who's comfortable with her body, who loves my body, and who's funny in bed, who jokes, who's tender, and sweet, and likes to hug me at night.

It's just really, really nice...

And I love her for it, so much. I tell her that a lot and sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, because I repeat myself.

Right now, typing this, I have tears in my eyes, because I'm writing about enjoying something so basic and so nice, that I missed (and didn't even know I missed) for years... I told her I feel like I'm making up for lost time, and sometimes I even feel desperate in my love making, because I'm 59, and I don't know how much time remains to me..

I went through 23 years of marriage. During that time, I didn't have one affair, not one. I'm not a religious person; I dislike organized religion intensely. But the conservative culture of the governmental agency for which I worked, the same conservative nature of the people with whom I worked, my own wife, and my OWN personality, all conspired to keep me in a marriage which just got more and more sterile, and finally, somewhere along the line, it just sort of quietly died, without rancor, violence or even harsh words.... It just went away and left a vacuum which K, who was my secretary, filled, in the just the same sort of subtle way..

K is 36 years old and she's got a body that won't quit, with lovely legs, tits that make men drool, and an ass and belly that... well, I enjoy the whole ensemble a lot, lot, lot...

Some other day, when I've got more time, I'll write about how we came to be as a couple, and how we see each other, but for the time being, I'll just leave the picture of her enjoying the Big Sur sunshine and sea, absorbing their energy, and just being the woman I love, my K... Happy Women's Day to you, K!

My Son

How many thousands of millions are - have there been - of us on this planet? Lots, I'd guess. And still.... for those of us with children - for me at least - parenting and the hassle/pleasure of having children is the first and only time it's happened, it's that special.

Case in point is my son.

Every time I look at this boy, I marvel at our lives, at the fact we are in each other's lives, that we are so alike and so different... I guess you could say that our relationship, compared to that of other fathers and sons, is no big thing. Neither of us like baseball or fishing, so we don't have any of those classic male bonding stories to tell of the big one we caught together, or the Little League games won or lost.

The fact is that for most of my son's 16 year life, I was more of the OTHER kind of classic dad, the one who's not there, who's off at business conferences and/or the office such that I might have seen my son briefly in the morning, while he's getting ready for school and I'm getting ready for work.

....And at the other end of the day, I'm coming home late, and he's on the computer or in front of the xbox, or on the phone, or doing his homework (although most of the time, he's so conscientious and smart, he's done his homework long before I get home).

It's only been with my retirement and, ironically, his departure for another country, that we've begun to develop a relationship wherein we talk and share thougths and ideas. We're not very profound the two of us. When I look at all the things, deep and not, that people talk about in their blogs, I consider our chats and conversations to be pretty mundane, talking about Limewire, or the latest laptop, or his surfing in Panama, or my mountain climbing, etc. Not impressive stuff, by any means.

Still, it's us, the two of us talking, and that's a lot more than it used to be, and I wish/hope that we talk a lot more in the future; he's such a wonderful person...

Scar Tissue

It's been, oh, 18 months, since I last touched my wife, and it's been eight months since I last saw her, when she left for Panama along with my 1 year old son.

Those milestones are basically two of the last major steps marking the end of my 23 year marriage to her. To be clear, I'm still legally married to her, and we've got the children and some property which still link us.

We separated emotionally years ago but the usual considerations, children, job, money, etc., and the simple intertia of avoiding conflict, unhappiness, stress, scandal, etc., all contrived to keep the arrangement together for all of those same years.

All of this came to an end, in slow motion, over several months, in a classic denouement involving my secretary, clashes with my bosses in Ecuador and Washington, and a growing sense that I needed to change, change everything, and move on. In other posts, I'll get around to the secretary (K), and work, and the whole messy thing....

Today, though, I just woke up with with one of those recurring feelings (weaker, and less frequent, though, all the time) of sorrow and regret over all that happened in losing the marriage and the pain it caused my (soon to be) ex-wife. I don't know how many people have told me, in trying to comfort me, that both actors are equally responsible for a marriage staying together, or not. Whether it's true or not (and I hope it's true), I still wake up feeling bad, on occasion, and regretting the pain I caused the woman pictured in this post. The picture is small and faint, and my image/memory of her grows more like that every day. But still.....

Test Posting to see what's happening with pictures

Pictures haven't been coming out lately in postings. Let's see what happens with this one. Looks like it came out ok... This is near Hacienda La Zuleta, around 9,500 feet up in the Ecuadorian Andes. Guess this poor old truck couldn't take the altitude....

It's Rainy...... and It's Been Raining....

I'm just back from weekend up north of Quito, a rainy weekend at a 400 year old Spanish Hacienda called La Cusin. Haciendas are the Latin American version of our big cattle ranches, although my guess is that it's been a long time since La Cusin saw any cattle. The place has served as a monastery, a farm, and now as a hotel, a very nice hotel. I've been to the place many times, and I enjoy it every time. It's quiet, colonial, historic, and, when it's not raining, it's got beautiful sunny gardens - and all of this surrounded by mountains and off in the distance, a beautiful lake.

I'm putting a picture of the long entrance into this place to give you an idea of the scale of the place - and this isn't the whole length of the entrance, btw...

I started this posting on Tuesday, but I've been so busy on my business projects (cacao and chocolate; more on these things in later postings) that this posting has languished in draft for most of the week, in fact for so long that the weather, at long last has improved, and we've actually had a day and a half of sun, for god's sake.

In the meantime, I've had a couple of great chats with my kids in Washington and Panama, and it's nice to grow closer to them, especially after years of my not paying much attention to them, because of work, fatigue, and the general, chronic blahs...

The events of last year, which saw my retirement from a 30 year job and the breakup of my marriage after my affair with my secretary, threw me into a whole new lifestyle which I'm starting to enjoy after the first few months in which I was essentially in shock.

I gotta say that I feel much more relaxed, and what with the various nascent business ventures, photog classes, volunteer work and my girlfriend (my former secretary; yes I'm still with her), life is beginning to be fun. As well, as I say, I'm growing closer to my kids and writing/chatting with them more often. Given all this, the fact that I'm 59 and my acute sense of irony, this probably means that I'll be having a fatal heart attack in the near future - just when I'm starting to enjoy life....

Still, the last three/four months have made it worthwhile, so what the hell..

OK, I'll close this out so that something shows up at least every 10 days or so.

I hope the photo comes out this time!

Omigod!

I just read a blog which poses the paradox (and I'll put it as a question): Could it be that if you do well in writing in a supposedly private medium (blog), you'll eventually draw enough attention so as to limit your subject matter and/or shut you down? That's a decidedly chilling prospect, and I certainly hope that the lady blogger I refer to doesn't get chilled; she's really good.

On the other hand... I'm brand new (see the way I handle this blog!) to this business, so I have the real luxury of operating in anonymity and obscurity (no comments so far!).

It's kind of funny, paradoxical thing, I have not/not told anyone close to me in any way about this blog, because I sure as hell don't want them to know about it, but I feel kind of lonely because of.... the same lack of comments. Just can't make myself happy, huh?

I'm Better, Thanks!

....OK, well, not recovered completely, of course, but I am feeling better, thanks in good part to a hell of a lot better weather day (I think there a lot of hyphens missing, but what the hell..). It's a beautiful day here, and it does wonders for my morale, so psychologically/psychosomatically it's helped my health, or so I like to think. Anyway I know I'm using a lot fewer kleenexes, and that's an objective indicator of improvement, I believe.

In a little while, I'm going to my photo lab where I think we're doing contact sheets of the negatives I developed (first ones!) last week. I'm also taking four rolls of undeveloped film to develop, as well. I've been using Ilford 400 film which always comes well recommended, but when I scanned it and put it on my big screen Mac, it comes out really grainy. So I'm going to develop some Kodak Tmax 100, which has a much more efficient emulsion (t plaques), and the next time, I'm going to push it to 400 the next time I take photos to see if it really does come out nicer on the mac, as I'm told.

As I write this, I'm watching a B movie, "Terminal", with Tom Hanks. It's not all that well done, if you're into critiquing movies, but it's schmaltzy, and I'm a sucker for schmaltzy flicks. In fact, I get teary over these kinds of movies, which K finds very endearing; she loves my sentimental streak, and I love it that she loves that.

I like schmaltz because always (ok, usually) has a nice, happy ending, even uplifting, on occasion. And that appeals to me because I ultimately believe that things will turn nice for most of us. And you know what? Things do have a habit of turning out good. In fact, I believe that's the way things are going for me right now here. I've got my chocolate projects going ok, not great, but ok, and I'm doing volunteer work for a couple of local NGO's, and of course the photo class, which will go on for nine (9!) months (I tell you, it's a serious class).

And K, my K...... Well, that's going good too, real good, truth to tell. But my guess is that of all my projects, this will be the longest one of all, because I want to make it work, so that it's the last relationship in my life (long enough for you, dear reader?).

K's been taking the parallel digital photography class, and I'm attaching one of her photos, since mine aren't downloaded onto my laptop yet. The photo is of the interior of the old San Augustin convent in Old Town Quito. Quito is a treasure trove of Spanish Colonial and Republican architecture. This convent is oh, about 400 years old and has been beautifully restored. If you ever get a chance to come to Quito, do it, and bring a camera; it's a beautiful place. LATE NOTE! For some reason, I can't get the photo to upload; maybe next posting, with a little more experience in understanding how blogging works! take care.

I'm Lucky

At the end of a miserable, rainy day, all day, K showed up with hot chicken soup and while I was scarfing that down, she proceeded to hand squeeze a big mug of lemonade, which she heated, piping hot for my drinking pleasure - and to fight this shit cold I came down with on Sunday.....

Oh, K, my woman, my darling woman, you are an angel, I swear. We have our squabbles, that's for sure, but when you make me sit down, con calma, to drink my (her) soup and lemonade, I know that I am one lucky person. I guess, as time goes by, I'll talk more about how K and I came to be together. Suffice it to say right now, that I love this woman, I enjoy her, I care for her, and she cares for me. As I say, she gets on my nerves sometimes, but that's me, and my lazy need sometime to be alone, even after 23 years of marriage.

Right, marriage... In fact, legally, I'm still married, with my wife and son off in Panama setting up a new life for themselves (maybe; and I'll have to explain THAT as well, later). My plan right now is to ask for a divorce this coming summer, and after that, we'll see what happens with my relationship with K. She'd dearly love to marry me, I know, but we'll need to take this one step at a time - and that should NOT be taken as code for: later, much later, if ever...

K is a wonderful,loviing, and sexy woman (see photo, attached for concrete evidence of this last), and we see each other every day, and sleep together almost/almost every day.... We've gotten to be a steady item, as they say, and I hope it goes on for a long time to come; we'll see...

OK, I'll close out on this with photo of K (for inspiration, of course!)