Friday, March 31, 2006

I Keep Forgetting to Bring My.....



Digital camera...along on photo shoots with K. Thing is, I'm taking analog (film) photo class while she's doing digital class. She's got her digital camera and I bring along two film cameras - while I should really bring along one film and one digital camera, since digital's much easier to publish than black and white film.

Still, as I've mentioned in other posts, I could do it, if I was industrious enough, since I've got a film/slide scanner which can put my b&w's on my mac....

Anyway, I'll get around to that one of these days. In the meantime, K's dumping all of her digital photos on this laptop, and I've swiped a couple (but just a couple) for this blog.

This film class is turning out to be tougher than I'd expected. Developing the shots hasn't proved to be overly difficult. What's been tougher is printing/blowing up the shots, and toughest of all, just plain composing the shots so as to get the light/contrast right - en fin, composition has been toughest of all. Backlit, low contrast shots are bitches to print out right, at least for me, but I'm getting more lab time in, so one of these days I'll get it right...

In the meantime, it's fun to take some digital shots every once in a while, as per the shot above. I gotta get a better camera, though, because my ex-wife managed to damage the lens shortly before we split up and the ding she inflicted on the lens shows up as a cloudy spot smack in the middle of the image every once in a while (look for it in some of the shots in this blog; you'll see it), which is irritating....

On the bright side, though, it DOES give me an excuse to buy one of those nice new, SLR d's with interchangeable lenses, eight mp's, etc., so, what the hell, I'll be patient.

... I'm playing Martin Scorcese's "Last Waltz" on dvd, with nice big Sony sound system as I write this. The first screen on the film says, "This film should be played LOUD!", and by god, that's what I'm doing. K's off at a welcome cocktail for new guys at her office, so I'm alone in my apartment; I wouldn't be doing this if she were here.

....Which sort of highlights one of the bennies of living alone: You can do whatever the hell you want, without having to negotiate on the volume, leaving the toilet lid up, the health implications of butter and peanut butter sandwiches (or baloney and cheese sandwiches with Miracle Whip, yum!).

Still, I enjoy the hell out of her, and I'll be happy to see her when she comes by to pick me up...

More on me and her on another post, but that's it for now....

Friday, March 24, 2006

And for a Change.....

....It's raining again, hard, with hail. We actually had two, count 'em two, straight days of no rain earlier this week, but the last three days have seen rain every day and into the night. Across the street from my apartment, on the local high school football field frogs have appeared (well ok, I can hear them, but haven't seen them) which croak happily throughout the night and well into the morning. Frogs notwithstanding, the school's hardy footballers play right through the afternoon and evening rain into the dark, to the accompaniment of their new mascots, the urban frog (species to be named and identified later).

I thought about having my car washed during the dry spell earlier this week, but I held off, suspecting a return of the rain, and I'm happy to say I saved myself the money of the carwash. I don't really recall the last time I had the car washed, but it was sometime before - way before - Christmas, which gives you an idea of how long the rains having been going on (and yes, I WOULD have washed the car if, say, there'd been maybe a dry week, but no such luck). Still, there's kind of a cyclical aspect to it: Car gets dirty/muddy, new rain comes along, KIND of washes the mud off, rains generate new mud, car gets splashed with new mud, and etc...

It's kind of fun, though, watching a truly wet year (worst in, oh, 5,10, 15, 20 years, depending on which native you talk to) because plants and trees outside are going bonkers in terms of growth, and the normally dry, sere landscape to the north of Quito is green, all green, for the first time since I've been here...

And.... Sunday (the above part was written on Friday): Well, it mostly dry today except for the afternoon only - only - rained for an hour or so out on the road to the south of Quito.

Yesterday, Saturday, we went out on photo class photo shoot on which I took two analog (film) cameras, but no digital, unfortunately, so no shots of the lakes, mountains and rivers to the north that I can share, unfortunately.

I came up over one fair-sized waterfall, 20 meters or so, Peguche it's called. the other times I've seen it, it's been rather tame cascade, but this year, this wet, wet, wet year, it'd become one of those falls where you feel it through the ground before the mist hit and the mist almost blinds you before you see it; that kind of fall.. Usually you go into that with some sort of protection over the camera, like a bag or something, but I shucked off my knapsack and just went in there, no cover and took a bunch of shots. Film, like I say, black and white, so we'll see how it comes out later on this coming week, when I get to the lab.

Long day, about 10 kms of walking to get to locations, but a good day. Last part was rain, naturally, and I get pretty wet, including time around the waterfall, but I feel fine....

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I Hope Things Change



I feel myself dropping into one of my depressive slumps again, one of those periods where I really don't want to see anyone, and I just feel my energy, my will to live fading away....

Here's the funny thing: I spent most of today in business meetings on chocolate projects (and by the way, I got up early - that's 5:00am early - to dash off in an hour the piece of work I'd delayed for almost two weeks) and I bet if you'd ask any participant in any of the meetings how I appeared, I came across as dynamic, humorous, and self-confident.

And then I come home to my big apartment, and I just sort of slump down in front of my computer and/or watch tv and/or take naps. I've got a fair-sized library of books, almost all of which I've read and re-read, but thinkng about it now, I haven't read serious book or even finished a book, in at least a year.

I'm in the midst of some sort of intellectual/spiritual entropy wherein my brain is rotting. Or at least, I'm not using any part of my brain not needed for daily interaction with people and keeping up appearances of normalcy with the world.

I just feel listless, and that's another thing: Since I went through those two bad colds, starting just around the beginning of the year, I really haven't done any physical exercise at all. I haven't gained much weight, if any, but that's to the good, actually, since I need to lose weight.

Physical exercise would do that, but lethargy reigns supreme for the moment. It's like I'm in sort of emotional/mental/physical limbo.

Energy, where are you? Motivation, where are you? Enjoyment of life, where are you?

Blah. I need a nap.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Why Can't I Get Started?



Blah. I'm inveterate, incorrigible procrastinator, I think. I've got a couple of fairly important tasks that I've agreed to do, and I simply keep putting them off. I've had this problem all my life, and for the life of me, I can't understand why I do it - or rather, why I don't. Perfectionism? Fear of error (the flip side of perfectionism)? Laziness? I don't know, but I know that I wake up every morning after another day in which I DIDN'T do something, my stomach tight with guilt over not having done task x, and resolved that TODAY, I will do it.... and then I don't. Ack.

I feel like this candle, burning down and melting away....

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Odds and Ends on a Sunday


... After a (surprise) rainy night, there was a truly surprising dawn: the sun came up. I looked out from K's ninth floor apartment to the east, over a quiet neighborhood, toward the large urban Parque Metropolitano, which overlooks Quito and the Andes, which loom over the city. A lot of the houses/apartments have flat roofs, puddled with water which reflected the growing dawnlight so that they look like dozens of large glass plates reflecting some fleecy clouds drifting in over the Parque.

Damn. Where's my camera when I need it? Well, ni modo, as they say; after that blessed leak, and a long drink of water, I went back to bed, and snuggled in against K's back and she slept on her side.

I love sleeping with K. That woman warmth, her hair spread out on the pillow, her small hand curved gently over her side, her lashes on her cheek, her gentle breathing, the bare shoulder on the sheet, the curve of her breast....

And I kissed her on the shoulder, stroked her hair, her face, and whispered that I loved her.

Goddam, this woman fills me with desire, with fire, with the need to touch her, to look at her, to carress her, kiss her, lick her, fuck her, feel her legs wrapped around me, coming on my cock.....

Have I made my point? Well, more, maybe, the feelings of aliveness, maleness, tenderness, lust, love, happiness, pleasure, completeness, affection, irritation, anger, frustration, and just plain passion, all these and more, I have for my woman, my K...

Guess I'm in love, huh?

--- We went for a walk this morning in the Parque Metropolitano (PM), after I picked up my camera from my own apartment. Wet, the PM, green, muddy, but lots of Sunday morning walkers, bicyclers, runners, wannabe picknickers (where the hell are they going to put their blankets, etc.?). The clouds have started closing in/closing up, but still enough sun gets through to keep it relatively warm, which was good, because I was in shorts, as is my habit. We walked, the two of us, for the better part of two hours, a good walk, especially after being cooped up by the rains for two weeks (yeah, that much rain; I mean it's been RAINING, man.).

We came back, showered up, and went out for lunch, which is a bit of a misnomer since we hadn't had any breakfast. We ate at a place called Adam's Rib, that's owned by an American who's lived here for over 25 years. I've met him and his wife, both from Texas, and nice people, both. Good Texas BBQ chicken and ribs, that much more rico (uh, better) for our empty stomachs...

We then spent two hours, going to three different shopping centers, looking for tickets to a Carlos Vives concert for ourselves, and K's 13 year-old niece, Lauris. Gad, what a pilgrimage, me driving around, looking for parking in the rain (oh yeah, did I tell you? It started raining again at 3:00pm, and it's still raining as I write, at 8:20pm...), not finding the right tickets, bla, bla, bla, until we finally found what we were looking for.

--- And then we got in a fight because she suddenly had to rush to her parents' house such that we didn't have time for me to look at an iPod in a store where (finally! finally!) we had found the tickets. Big yelling match, and she IS a match for me, 120 lbs to my 165, and we're equals, in spirit, and many other things as well.... We ended up making love (parents be damned, when it comes to fucking), and made up, all this in the space of oh, 45-50 minutes or so....

So now K's visiting with her mom and dad, whom I've met (and THAT was an interesting experience, but for another post), while I write this, and finish it, to more rain, and waiting for her phone call.... Buenas noches....

Saturday, March 11, 2006

When's It Going to Stop Raining?


This year has been the rainiest year I've experienced since I arrived in Quito in August 2001. It has rained almost every day and every night since the beginning of November. Needless to say, everything is green, green, green, but alright, already, everything is also muddy, semi-moldy, and just, well, wet.

- And that's here in the Sierra, where everything is on the side of hills - or IS the hill, for that matter - and so the water runs off to wherever. Down on the coast, the weather's been pretty much the same, rain without letup, and so coastal areas from Colombia to Peru are turning into immense rice paddies, without the rice. I was down there last week, south of Guayaquil, and the edges of the roads have become a series of long, long cattle ranges, because the raised roadways are the only places where the poor beasts can stay reasonably dry.

Ecuador's largest city, Guayaquil has a fairly good drainage management system, luckily, but even so, there are large parts of the city which have been under water for days and weeks... Total, wet, bummer...

Attached picture: I haven't learned how to put on captions, but this one might read: But WE'RE doing alright!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Racism and....

I've been reading two postings that came out at the same time on Rollertrain and Hiromi_X, both regarding racism. Rollertrain is a white chick from the States and Hiromi is Japanese-American, second generation, as best I can tell.

Coincidentally, they did postings yesterday on racism, with the difference that Rollertrain (or Chagres, as she calls herself) was into the I'm white, therefore I'm guilty, mode of thinking on the subject, while Hiromi was into the chip on the shoulder, I'm Asian, therefore the injured party, mode.

The funny thing about these sorts of things is that you get articulate, smart people saying ignorant things and sometimes, just dumb things. I guess the good thing is that you've got a lot of people concerned about an important subject but aside from carrying a chip on their shoulder, as I say, I don't think any of them have really lived the racism thing for true.

Hiromi, for instance, talks about speaking English in Japan and freaking people out. But I don't think she's really run into the Japanese brand of racism, which sees people like her as mutant, racially impure folks who've been contaminated by western culture. She's got a lot learn, I'd say..

Chagres, on the other hand, seems to take the, "We're white, therefore racist", mode, albeit in a nice way...

Guys, really, give it a break, just be decent to people, call people on any overt racist actions/statements, etc., and please, please, please, stop generalizing/lumping people in set groups and/or presupposed modes of conduct. Anything to contrary, and well, you're just, uhm, prejudiced, at the least, if not racist yourself..

Like I say, give it a rest and be decent to all people with whom you deal, in the expectation that they will treat you likewise...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Happy Women's Day!



Today is a big day here in Ecuador, and in a lot of other countries here in Latin America. I don't recall that it was ever a big thing in the States, but it's been a long time since I've lived there, so it may be that it's widely observed there now - although I see no mention of it in today's LA Times, NY Times, or Washington Post (love the web!).

Anyway, heeeereee... We celebrated by making love, and then this morning, for Women's Day present (morning version) I gave her her very first vibrator (plus free batteries!), an early morning wake up quickie, and then held her while she fell asleep. Tonight, romantic dinner at her specific request, and then who knows? Maybe take the vibrator out for its trial run!

I enjoy being with K so much, and ok, so you've noticed, I like the sex part of the whole equation as well! I told her this morning that I love the way that she makes me feel alive, and horny, and how she completes me as a man. After so many years of a sterile, almost sexless relationship, god, I can't tell you what it means to have a woman in my bed (well, her bed a lot, too, since we don't live together), who's warm who doesn't mind sleeping naked, who's comfortable with her body, who loves my body, and who's funny in bed, who jokes, who's tender, and sweet, and likes to hug me at night.

It's just really, really nice...

And I love her for it, so much. I tell her that a lot and sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, because I repeat myself.

Right now, typing this, I have tears in my eyes, because I'm writing about enjoying something so basic and so nice, that I missed (and didn't even know I missed) for years... I told her I feel like I'm making up for lost time, and sometimes I even feel desperate in my love making, because I'm 59, and I don't know how much time remains to me..

I went through 23 years of marriage. During that time, I didn't have one affair, not one. I'm not a religious person; I dislike organized religion intensely. But the conservative culture of the governmental agency for which I worked, the same conservative nature of the people with whom I worked, my own wife, and my OWN personality, all conspired to keep me in a marriage which just got more and more sterile, and finally, somewhere along the line, it just sort of quietly died, without rancor, violence or even harsh words.... It just went away and left a vacuum which K, who was my secretary, filled, in the just the same sort of subtle way..

K is 36 years old and she's got a body that won't quit, with lovely legs, tits that make men drool, and an ass and belly that... well, I enjoy the whole ensemble a lot, lot, lot...

Some other day, when I've got more time, I'll write about how we came to be as a couple, and how we see each other, but for the time being, I'll just leave the picture of her enjoying the Big Sur sunshine and sea, absorbing their energy, and just being the woman I love, my K... Happy Women's Day to you, K!

Monday, March 06, 2006

My Son



How many thousands of millions are - have there been - of us on this planet? Lots, I'd guess. And still.... for those of us with children - for me at least - parenting and the hassle/pleasure of having children is the first and only time it's happened, it's that special.

Case in point is my son.

Every time I look at this boy, I marvel at our lives, at the fact we are in each other's lives, that we are so alike and so different... I guess you could say that our relationship, compared to that of other fathers and sons, is no big thing. Neither of us like baseball or fishing, so we don't have any of those classic male bonding stories to tell of the big one we caught together, or the Little League games won or lost.

The fact is that for most of my son's 16 year life, I was more of the OTHER kind of classic dad, the one who's not there, who's off at business conferences and/or the office such that I might have seen my son briefly in the morning, while he's getting ready for school and I'm getting ready for work.

....And at the other end of the day, I'm coming home late, and he's on the computer or in front of the xbox, or on the phone, or doing his homework (although most of the time, he's so conscientious and smart, he's done his homework long before I get home).

It's only been with my retirement and, ironically, his departure for another country, that we've begun to develop a relationship wherein we talk and share thougths and ideas. We're not very profound the two of us. When I look at all the things, deep and not, that people talk about in their blogs, I consider our chats and conversations to be pretty mundane, talking about Limewire, or the latest laptop, or his surfing in Panama, or my mountain climbing, etc. Not impressive stuff, by any means.

Still, it's us, the two of us talking, and that's a lot more than it used to be, and I wish/hope that we talk a lot more in the future; he's such a wonderful person...

Friday, March 03, 2006

Scar Tissue


It's been, oh, 18 months, since I last touched my wife, and it's been eight months since I last saw her, when she left for Panama along with my 1 year old son.

Those milestones are basically two of the last major steps marking the end of my 23 year marriage to her. To be clear, I'm still legally married to her, and we've got the children and some property which still link us.

We separated emotionally years ago but the usual considerations, children, job, money, etc., and the simple intertia of avoiding conflict, unhappiness, stress, scandal, etc., all contrived to keep the arrangement together for all of those same years.

All of this came to an end, in slow motion, over several months, in a classic denouement involving my secretary, clashes with my bosses in Ecuador and Washington, and a growing sense that I needed to change, change everything, and move on. In other posts, I'll get around to the secretary (K), and work, and the whole messy thing....

Today, though, I just woke up with with one of those recurring feelings (weaker, and less frequent, though, all the time) of sorrow and regret over all that happened in losing the marriage and the pain it caused my (soon to be) ex-wife. I don't know how many people have told me, in trying to comfort me, that both actors are equally responsible for a marriage staying together, or not. Whether it's true or not (and I hope it's true), I still wake up feeling bad, on occasion, and regretting the pain I caused the woman pictured in this post. The picture is small and faint, and my image/memory of her grows more like that every day. But still.....

Test Posting to see what's happening with pictures



Pictures haven't been coming out lately in postings. Let's see what happens with this one. Looks like it came out ok... This is near Hacienda La Zuleta, around 9,500 feet up in the Ecuadorian Andes. Guess this poor old truck couldn't take the altitude....