Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Each Day Is A Rollercoaster, But

That's life, as it's served up, I suppose. I'm to the place where I sleep with K every night, and I spend more time in her apartment than I do my own, to the point where we've talked about living together, but we don't, and she says we won't until I get divorced (which should be sometime later this year). Still, as I write this, alone in my place, I do enjoy the small freedom I have to do this, this blog (about which she knows nothing), and to watch tv, which she doesn't like me to do when we're together.

Sometimes I'm torn between my desire and love for her, and the other, simple need to be alone sometimes, to do things like this blog, which isn't any more important a thing than recording what's happening in my life on occasion.

I read other people's blogs, and it's marvelous, the poetry, the articulate opinions I read and I think, "Boy, I wish I could write like that", - but I don't, I just write about the ordinary things that happen here and between me, K, my kids, and on occasion, others around me.

I will say that, as time has gone by, the pain and sorrow I felt when I first started writing this thing (actually, it's predecessor over on Xanga) has eased/ faded somewhat. When I finally get around the divorce, the pain will flare up again, I bet, but then that's to be expected.

My life's still in transition, obviously, and I think I have a tendency to worry too much about, well, everything from my sex life to my financial life, to my future life (that is, the next few years, not the afterlife!). And I always put a negative cast, kind of like Woody Allen: I'm doomed, no matter what; really positive attitude in short.

The thing is, in reality, I don't have much to complain about. I've got my health, a good relationship with a good woman, a sex life better than anything I've had in years and years, three great kids, a bit of money, and some interesting economic possibilities that have nothing to do with what I've done in the past (perhaps the best thing of all, about all of this).

I have that tendency to do the reverse of what most positive people do, that is, I worry about the small stuff and don't worry about the big things. So far, I've been lucky in that the big stuff hasn't blown up on me, but the small stuff gives me stomach aches, lost sleep, and on occasion quarrels with K. I really need to learn how to stay off the small things and not get pissed/worried about them.

Well, tomorrow's another day, I suppose...

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